five years

Today marks 5 years since our son, William, was stillborn at full-term.  January 11, 2007 changed my life, our family, forever.

It is strange, but in many ways this has been an easier year. There has not been the heaviness of anticipation for months before today.  I have thought of him, my fourth child and second boy, yes, but I think of him often.  This morning I came to consciousness listening to the shower running.  My first thought was of my need to get up and bless my husband with a lunch to take to work.  It wasn't until my Mom met me in the kitchen (she lives with us...lucky us!) with a card and tears in her eyes, and I remembered.  Yes, it is today.  Yes, it has been five years.

In the span of time from that terrible day until now, I have learned to accept this reality.  I have experienced the extraordinary grace of God in the form of friends and family who have loved our family wildly through our loss, and in the form of my other three children who live and breathe, make messes,  frustrate me, and who are His generous gifts to me.  I am grateful.

We don't have big plans for today.  The kids and I will do our chores, our homeschool.  We have piano lessons and horseback riding lessons.  Tonight when our family is again, by His grace, gathered around our table for dinner, we will take some time to light a candle, pray, and remember.  I know there will be tears.  I also hope there will be thanksgiving, the hard eucharisteo that Ann talks about.  In a card I received shortly after William's death, a dear friend wrote to me of the treasures from God to be found in the dark place of loss and suffering.  She made the analogy of gems being made in the deep dark and pressure of our earth.  Formed in such harrowing circumstances, they reflect light and radiant beauty when brought to the surface.

...continuing to count His gifts, these treasures...even today

22. wearing a stability boot on my right foot for the past seven weeks, and tomorrow, hopefully, it will be time to take it off.  Hopeful that healing has happened.
23. plans to celebrate our 11 year old son's birthday with a father/son hike, friends, pizza and Costco lemon cake, his favorite
and from the Joy Dare:
26. thinking of the yellow daffodils that we placed at William's grave, how they were in profusion at Trader Joe's that year, and how they remind me of him.